God > Fear
"O Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress."
-Isaiah 33:2
"He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge; the fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure."
-Isaiah 33:6
This past Sunday I was asked to read the passages that our pastor would be discussing that day.. in front of EVERYONE. Like, walking up to the front, standing in front of a microphone, and speaking. A week ago, when I was asked, it didn't seem like such a big deal. However, when the day and time finally arrived, I honestly felt like I was going to pass out. My heart was racing and felt like it was about to explode. I felt lightheaded and couldn't remember the three things I needed to do before I was able to sit down again. I started to feel hot and sweaty even in the cool Indiana air we were having that morning. My lungs felt like they were filled with lead, yet still trying to pump and keep me alive long enough to do what I had been asked to do.
My brain was having a battle between saying, "it's okay, breathe, relax, it's going to be great!, God's Word is bigger than your fear, someone may need to hear exactly what you're about to read, stop being afraid, don't focus on the people and just focus on God's Word", and "what are you doing?, actually pass out and you won't have to say anything, text Chris and have him read it, if I sneak out and happen to take my time coming back maybe they'll sub someone else in my place when they can't find me, why does that mic look way too tall for me because now I can't walk up there and start because I'll have to awkwardly adjust it and I don't know what I'm doing, why did I agree to this?" I was beyond frustrated because I felt like my body was betraying me.
This was not how this moment was supposed to go. Why can't I control my fear. I wish I could just turn it off and be this fearless person. I wish that I could turn down the volume on the fear that seems to scream at me when I need to be fearless in the Father the most. It's frustrating.
If you haven't figured out yet, I am an introvert. I feel stressed out around new people and new situations. It is physically and emotionally draining to me. Even writing blog posts exhausts me, because I am having to be honest and revealing. But, I push myself and my comfort levels constantly because I don't want those fears and preferences to stop me from what God has called me to do or say. HE is greater than me.
"But you, O Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, you descendants of Abraham my friend, I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
-Isaiah 41:8-10
"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."
-Isaiah 41:13
Even Moses had issues with speaking publicly and he wasn't a twenty-first century millennial living in Indianapolis, Indiana.
"Moses said to the Lord, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue." The Lord said to him, "Who have man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." But Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it."
-Exodus 4:10-13
What always gets my attention is that Moses, even after all the miracles God has shown him, and the fact he is speaking DIRECTLY to God, still has his doubts in himself and fear of speaking God's word publicly. Not to mention, God is calling him out on being more faithful, and Moses STILL has doubts in himself and asks God to send someone else! It's understandable why God is angry with him in verses fourteen through seventeen. It's like He's trying to convince the man that He created and knows what all his weaknesses and flaws are, to do what He knows he is capable of doing.
***Honestly, I could see God saying Exodus 4:14-17 with this exact expression ^^
We tend to see the prophets as great inspirations, and they are. Most tend to forget though, that they all struggled with something. They all had faults, and failures, and fears. God would constantly get frustrated with them for putting their "Me" before "HE". We do the same thing though. It's like we forget that God knows us inside and out and knows what we are capable of doing, but yet we try and bargain with Him because we let the fear outweigh our faithfulness in the Father.
God helped me conquer my fear that day. He helped me to focus on His word and forget the distractions around me. He helped me to focus on Him and not the people that were staring at me. He helped me focus on what was and is important and not on worldly things or perceptions. My fear does remind me of just how amazing God's grace and love for me is. I don't have it all together. I am not the most eloquent or even grammatically correct person. I am short-tempered and introverted. I don't like standing or speaking in front of people (I dread my birthday and hosting events at my house for this reason). I am a flawed individual that has a burning love for Christ. Through that faith AND those flaws, He has a purpose for me. None of the prophets were perfect, but He used them. Why do I expect myself to be perfect before I can be used? I chalk it up with trying to rationalize my way out of His purpose because of my fear instead of faith.
"You are my witnesses," declares the Lord, "and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me. I, even I, am the Lord, and apart from me there is no savior. I have revealed and saved and proclaimed- I, and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses," declares the Lord, "that I am God."
-Isaiah 43:10-12
If all of this writing seemed haphazard, that's because it probably was. I hope the main point did not get lost, and if it did I'll restate it right now -> Don't let fear get in the way of your faithfulness to God and the calling He has put on your life.
***Sidenotes- Isaiah has been kicking my patookus these past two weeks, but it constantly amazes me when God puts a verse or a book on your heart, and then certain events or situations occur and your like, 'Ah, I get what He was trying to tell me!'
***Also, if you haven't noticed I tend to have a lot of scripture in my posts, but I'm okay with that because I know my words will constantly fail in comparison to God's Word.
Prayers Needed
*Chris and I are meeting with the autism center that Micah will be attending tomorrow.. Prayers for the final steps to go smoothly and that Micah will be able to start his sessions soon.
*Chris and I are in the process of selling our house in Florida.. Prayers for the final issues we are having to get worked out quickly and as financially painless as they could hopefully go, in order for our buyers to stay interested and happy.
*An easy transition for Micah to his new school.. Prayers that it won't be too overwhelming for him and if it is, that he adjusts quickly so that it will be a place that he will look forward to going to.
*Kenley's ... destructive/screaming reaction to anything that inconveniences or displeases her in the slightest.. Prayers that this "phase" will end quickly or that.. honestly I don't know. It's quite stressful for Chris, Micah and myself on a daily basis and we don't know how to get her to stop.
Prayers Answered
*My migraines have finally ceased after lasting for FOUR days.
*Micah's sleeping has been.. better, but sporadically better. Sporadically worse and sporadically better. But we'll take the days it's better as a win!
*Micah getting the therapy he needs sooner than January! Possibly as soon as next week!
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*If you feel like God is putting Chris and I on your heart for prayer, please pray because we need it!
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