The Fourth
This past week has been one of the hardest I've ever had to deal with and I've had some pretty hard ones in my life. I haven't really known what to say. I haven't really known how or had time to process any of it. So, I figured I would try and type through some of what our family has been going through and feeling. If someone were to ask how I'm doing I would say "I'm sad" because I don't really think anything else can be said. July fourth was a day of celebration to many including us.. at least it started out that way.
Chris had to work downtown, which was fine because we were expecting it to be busy due to the holiday. Plus, we had just gotten back from vacation two days beforehand and needed to play catch up a bit. Micah's school was closed because of the holiday as well, so I was hanging with the munchkins for the day. All seemed normal and at the same time off. Today was different. Micah usually is in school on a Wednesday and Chris normally has a meeting with Jason (Pastor at Refuge Bible Church) to discuss the itinerary for the upcoming Sunday. However, it was a holiday and it happened to be Marri's (Jason's wife) birthday.
"They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord."
-Psalm 112:7
I was at home with the kids when Chris called. He said that he had just gotten off the phone with David (works alongside Chris) and that David was frantic. From what he could make of the conversation before David had to go was that there had been an accident and Haddon (Jason and Marri's two year-old son) wasn't breathing. Something about a pool and he wasn't breathing and that EMTs were on the way and that he wanted us to pray... that was all Chris could gather and so that was all I knew. I called as many people that I could think of in our church because the more people praying the better. I even called my awesome MIL and she quickly sent out a blast to her entire church who started praying for Haddon.
We prayed and waited.
We waited for a while. When it's been a while, there's an unsettling feeling you start to get. You hope you're wrong. You hope that you're being negative. You also know that it wouldn't take this long to get good news.
Everything about that day.. hurts.
As I was pulling up Chris' number to get an update, he called. He didn't call with news I wanted to hear. He didn't call with news I wanted to tell those that were praying and waiting to hear from me.
"But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded."
-2 Chronicles 15:7
It was around seven p.m. at this point and so I started to make calls. I first called Chris' mom so that she could let her church know. Then... I just needed a minute. I needed a minute. I hadn't let myself get emotional because it was crunch time and he needed prayers and calls to be made for prayers on his behalf. I hadn't let myself get emotional because there wasn't time to freeze up and stop. But then... there was no more waiting that needed to be done. I let myself have a few minutes and then I needed to let everyone else know. But then Chris called.
If you want to know more details, because I refuse to put them on here.. It's not my story to tell. You can click the link "Marri's Story" below and it will take you to her blog.
We knew his PawPaw wasn't in fabulous health and thankfully we had seen him on our way back to Indianapolis on Saturday (June 30th). However, he had also passed away. I couldn't process it... none of it. People were outside, shooting off fireworks (which they've been doing for a month and a half now even though the holiday is over) and I felt like I couldn't breathe. So I made phone calls. I let people know what happened with Haddon and our family as well. I hadn't processed any of it and still haven't really. I'll have a moment here and there but there hasn't been time to process.
Friday (July 6th) we flew to Florida(for the first time as a family and a first for the kids) for PawPaw's funeral (planned for Saturday evening (July 7th) and found out that Haddon's funeral would be Saturday as well, but in the morning. It hurts when you have two families.. and both are hurting.. and you have to choose because you can't be in two places at once.
Saturday was rough. Our hearts longed to be with our family in Indiana and to help them grieve and process their loss.. and our hearts were hurting because we felt that loss too. We were hurting as we were getting ready for PawPaw's funeral, because Haddon's had already begun. It's like going to two funerals in one day. Then we had to go to PawPaw's and be mentally and emotionally present there. There is a point you get to where you start to feel numb. That maybe it's all been some terrible dream and you're going to wake up and everything will be as it was. But you don't.
The fourth was a difficult day. We lost a two year-old and a ninety year-old. Both had amazingly sweet and tender hearts. They both had a fire too and would let you know it. They were larger than life. There wasn't one person that didn't want to be a part of their world. They were some of the greats.
10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)
Matt Redman
"Bless the Lord oh my soul Oh my soul Worship His Holy name Sing like never before Oh my soul I'll worship Your Holy name
The sun comes up It's a new day dawning It's time to sing Your song again Whatever may pass And whatever lies before me Let me be singing When the evening comes
Bless the Lord oh my soul Oh my soul Worship His Holy name Sing like never before Oh my soul I'll worship Your Holy name
You're rich in love And You're slow to anger Your name is great And Your heart is kind For all Your goodness I will keep on singing Ten thousand reasons For my heart to find
Bless the Lord oh my soul
Oh my soul Worship His Holy name Sing like never before Oh my soul I'll worship Your Holy name Bless You Lord
And on that day When my strength is failing The end draws near And my time has come Still my soul will Sing Your praise unending Ten thousand years And then forevermore
Bless the Lord oh my soul Oh my soul Worship His Holy name Sing like never before Oh my soul I'll worship Your Holy name"
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