McCall Clan Summer TD
I have stared at this post for.. weeks. Putting our summer (to date) into words has seemed impossible. Even now I'm struggling with what to say. Writing about what has been happening just seems more overwhelming because it's like making it a big bold fact instead of just feeling like I'm making it a bigger deal then it really is. "The World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies has seemed like a perfect theme for our lives lately. So I'll just start.
Obviously you guys know how our July went because, well that was our last post so I'm not going to go through all that again. But for the past couple of months we've have been having issues with getting Micah on Medicaid. Excruciatingly long story short... Micah's OT sessions for the insurance we have for him has reached its max (20x sessions a year) and we knew it was coming so we've been trying to get him on Medicaid to get the additional help, which he automatically qualifies for because he has autism. However, they keep telling us he doesn't qualify. We did finally have a break through this week though. We physically went and talked to someone at Medicaid and they directed us to a person that has an application for a disability waiver (which is what we need) and we will find out in 2-3 months if we got approved for the waiver and if so then it's a 9 month wait to get it.
So a year. We have to wait a year just to get a waiver. That doesn't mean anything but getting a waiver which we then have to wait for the waiver to go through and who knows how long that will be.
I am frustrated. I am crushed. I feel like I am on a carousel that won't stop spinning. I want to help my kid and can't. I can't get him what he needs. I hate that I can't help my child. I'm his mom and mama bear me wants to break thinks and kick and hit and destroy everything in my wake because I feel helpless. I hate that he's thriving and happy at his school and we have to deal with annoying adult logistics that are holding him back from being able to thrive in crazy amounts. I feel like I've been thrown back into the beginning after we had Micah and we struggled to get anyone to listen that was something was going on and to help. It's the hardest feeling when you have to be your kid's advocate and no one listens. You feel helpless. Trying to remain positive is hard. Trying to remain patient and reasonable.. there's a limit that I'm about at before all my pent up mama bear frustration is going to destroy everything in my wake.
That's the main source of stress currently. There's a lot of other things but I don't want to really dive into the rest of it. This post will be crazy long if I did that so I'll give the cliffnotes version.
We are still hurting from the loss of Chris' grandpa. The Cubs were a big part of PawPaw's and Chris' relationship. When we went to Chicago in July for a game, there'd be moments that I'd start to tell Chris that he needed to call PawPaw and give him the score or what we were seeing, etc.... but then I would just as quickly remember that we can't do that anymore. Thinking of the holidays is just as hard because visiting PawPaw was a big part of that and now that has changed too.
We're still dealing with the loss of Haddon and how that has affected our church body. It feels like there is a hole.. that we're not whole.
We are still praying that Chris' dad continues to not show any decline because of his stage 4 bladder cancer. We're trying to make the most of the time we have now with him and plan trips and adventures because you never know, only God knows... We want to make as many memories as possible.
We're burnt out from work but work pays the bills, including Micah's bills and we will always fight for our kids, but we're mainly burnt out because life outside of work has been demanding for months now. We're basically in need of a vacation since our last vacation catapulted us into craziness that feels like it's pulling us in 20 different directions.
Remaining faithful can be hard at times. I'm not going to say it hasn't been. I'm not going to pretend that we don't deal with anything and life is all cupcakes and rainbows. Times like this my mind tends to wander to the book of Job. I mean who had it harder then that guy? Whose faith was tested more than his? He had everything and everyone taken away, but he still remained faithful. That doesn't mean he didn't hurt emotionally that he lost his family, or wasn't in pain when he was physically sick and feeling like he was on the verge of death. There's something I have written in my bible and I'm not sure where I saw it or who said it but it says, "Pray not for the removal of the trial, but that you'll make the right use of the trial." What Job does say is this,
"But I tell you, in this you are not right, for God is greater than man. Why do you complain to him that he answers none of man's words? For God does speak - now one way, now another - though man may not perceive it. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls on men as they slumber in their beds, he may speak in their ears and terrify them with warnings, to turn man from wrongdoing and keep him from pride, to preserve his soul from the pit, his life from perishing by the sword. " - Job 33: 12-18
I don't say all this to sound like we have it all together or for pity or whatever. The McCall clan are fighters though. We may stumble here and there through the difficulties in life, but at the end of the day we always know God's got this. It's not about us. It's about Him. Thank goodness for that.
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